Memory Lane
by sloans-interrogator
Summary: Drinking with Miles brings up some memories for Julian, and not all of them are good ones...


'As in, not of nature. The word 'freak' could also apply.'  
  
Julian Bashir about himself,   
  
Doctor Bashir, I presume.  
  
Playing darts with his best friends raises sensitive questions about Julian's past, leading to severe consequences…  
  
The question came out of the blue. No warnings, nothing. Of course, if there had been warning Julian would have hightailed it out of there so fast Quark would sue for not paying his bill, but of course, that was what O'Brien counted on.  
  
'How did you mange in school?'  
  
'What do you mean?' Julian asked, getting ready to throw his dart.  
  
'Well, you know how you were holding back all these years at everything you did. You know, darts, extensive mathematical problems that you do in your head. How did you fake it in school. I can't believe no one asked questions.'  
  
Julian threw, not really concentrating. School. He hadn't thought of that in a while. It brought back painful memories.  
  
He sculled the remainder of his scotch, and thought about how to answer.  
  
'Freak!'  
  
'Cheat!'  
  
'Julian, you should know the difference between right and wrong by now, and cheating is wrong.'  
  
'I didn't cheat!'  
  
'Don't lie to me!'  
  
'I don't know. Just cruised. Never did too well at anything.'  
  
'But someone must have noticed something.' Miles persisted.  
  
Julian sighed, placing a dart down on the table next to them.  
  
'It was hard.' He admitted. 'Too often I'd do too well. You're right, people did notice. Too many people, too many times. I went to five different primary schools, on different planets, and six different high schools before I tried the Academy.'  
  
He signaled to Quark for another scotch, may as well get completely drunk for him, that way he'll get the truth, he thought wryly.  
  
'So how did you manage?' Miles asked again.  
  
'I made very few friends, kept even less. I was too smart for them. Which sounds… I don't know… snobby, but it's true. They couldn't handle a simple human boy beating them in everything. Even the Vulcans stayed away. I think I was too illogical for them.' He laughed bitterly. 'The friends I made, didn't care that I was better than them. So, naturally, we were good friends. Nothing could tear us apart.'  
  
Miles was getting the feeling he was only talking about one person.  
  
'She was great. More like a sister. We were great friends, and that was enough for both of us. We didn't try to further out relationship whatsoever. She was one of the three people I've ever felt totally comfortable around.'  
  
He stopped talking, and stared into his drink, reliving some of the best moments in his life.  
  
'Where is she now?' Miles ventured.  
  
'What? Oh.' A sadness passed over Julian's face. 'She was involved with an accident at the Academy. She passed, eventually, and was assigned to the Enterprise. You probably knew her, in fact. Ensign Sito Jaxa. Bloody Nicholas Locarno practically forced his squadron to attempt a Kolvoord Starburst maneuver, and got a guy by the name of Joshua Albert killed, and his whole squadron had to repeat the year. Least the bastard got expelled for it.'  
  
Miles knew all this, and knew what was coming.  
  
'Last I heard she went on a mission gone wrong, and I haven't heard from her.'  
  
'She died in the line of duty. She was brave, and deserved the promotion.' Miles said quietly.  
  
'What? How did you know? Oh, you were on the Enterprise then, weren't you? Did you know her?'  
  
'Yes, and now that I think about it, she mentioned you a few times. I hadn't realized that you were 'Jules'.'  
  
Julian looked away. 'She was the only person that could ever call me that after I discovered I was 'enhanced'.  
  
'How did she die?' Julian asked.  
  
Miles paused, unsure how to reply. It was a classified mission, but Julian held a higher rank and security clearance than he did. Besides from that, he deserved to know.  
  
'It's classified, okay? She was chosen to go an a mission. Sito was told the risks, and asked if she wanted to do it. She agreed. She had to go across the Cardassian border with a Federation operative, who was cosmetically made into a Cardie. The plan was that he'd get her out somewhere and rendezvous with the Enterprise a few days after. When we went all there was left was debris from a Cardassian escape pod. She was missing in the line of duty.'  
  
'Shit.'  
  
Miles was surprised at the doctor's terminology.  
  
Julian smiled, and held up his glass in a toast. 'To friends. Take care of them. Once they're gone, you have nothing.' He tipped back the last of his drink, and poured it down his throat. He stood quickly. 'I'm outta here, Miles. Got some, ah, work to do back in my quarters.' He left so fast Miles didn't have a chance to respond.  
  
He pulled a bulkhead off the wall swiftly.   
  
He took a small knife out. It had been a while since he'd needed it, but hearing Sito's story depressed him. Quickly he drew two small criss-crosses across his wrist.  
  
Blood welled to the surface of his skin, and he watched as a small drop gathered, paused, then dripped onto his carpet.  
  
With the small 'splash' came a sense of relief that, as a doctor, he knew was wrong, and he shouldn't need.  
  
Closing his eyes, he leaned against the wall, and sighed.  
  
He hadn't cut himself for months, he'd started his first week of the Academy, and had only stopped when he'd felt comfortable on Deep Space Nine, one year after his arrival.  
  
He remembered when his Academy room-mate had caught him in the bathroom one day. Tom Paris, wasn't it? The boy had just looked at his, light blue eyes cold. 'Was it worth it?' He had asked when a drop of blood had hit the floor. Julian was surprised at the question, and for the first time in his life stuttered. 'Wha- what?'  
  
'You heard me. Was it worth it? Did you get what you wanted?' Then he'd spun on his heel and walked out, leaving behind a confused cadet.  
  
Julian wondered what had happened to cadet Paris. He remembered him leaving the Academy, joining the Maquis, being sent to a penal colony, but that was it. Maybe he should visit him. Or not.  
  
He sighed again, and put the knife away, taking out a dermal regenerator.  
  
The regenerator quickly pulled the skin back together, and Julian pulled his sleeve up slightly, revealing old scars,   
  
criss-crosses about half way up his arm.  
  
He fingered them slowly, remembering what it was like at the Academy.  
  
He shook his head. It was no use to think of those times. They were over.  
  
Wish I'd died instead of lived. A zombie hides my face   
  
Shell forgotten with it's memories. Diaries left with cryptic entries   
  
And you don't need to bother. I don't need to be   
  
I'll keep slipping farther. But once I hold on...I'll never live down my deceit.  
  
'Come on Julian! We're going to be late because of you!' Dax urged, tugging her dress uniform down.  
  
'I don't even see why we have to got there.' Julian replied, quickly dragging a comb through his hair.  
  
'Because the commanding officer of this station said so, and that's a good enough reason for me.'  
  
Julian sighed and glanced in the mirror quickly. Satisfied with his appearance he allowed Jadzia to pull him out of his quarters.  
  
'And what was with you yesterday?' She asked as the hurried through the corridor.  
  
'Yesterday?' Julian asked, delaying the answer.  
  
Jadzia frowned. 'You were talking to Miles in Quark's, and suddenly you just walked out.'  
  
'I've no idea what you're talking about, Dax.' Julian denied.  
  
They were approaching the meeting room door, so Jadzia just glared and walked in in front of him.  
  
The room was done up, decorated like a party, and as soon as Julian entered Jadzia turned and everyone yelled out 'Surprise!'  
  
Julian was confused for a second, and wondered if he'd missed something.  
  
Miles came up behind him, and whispered loudly, 'it's your birthday, Julian.'  
  
Bashir blinked. 'Oh.'  
  
'Is that all you have to say, lieutenant? I was under the impression you were never at a loss for words.' Sisko commented.  
  
Except for when Paris walked in on you! 'Oh, I'm just surprised, that's all, sir.' Julian lied. 'I didn't think anyone knew my birthday.' At least no one knows your real birthday!  
  
'Oh, I have my sources. Speaking of which, hello Garak.'  
  
Garak smiled. 'Hello, chief. Julian.' He half bowed to the bewildered doctor. 'How goes sickbay?'  
  
'Uh, fine, thank you Garak.' Julian replied quickly, then he tugged Jadzia's arm and pulled her into a corner where no one was near. 'Who arranged this?' He demanded.  
  
'Who do you think? I did of course.' She replied, puzzled over his negative response.  
  
He rolled his eyes slightly. 'Great. Thanks. How do I get out of here un-noticed?'  
  
'What? Why? Oh, are you one of those people who hate being reminded of aging?' She asked sympathetically.  
  
'No, I just haven't been feeling too well recently, that's all.'  
  
Jadzia looked at him. 'Julian, did you even know it was your birthday today?' She asked.  
  
'Ah, no, actually. I didn't.' He replied honestly, blushing slightly.  
  
It was her turn to roll her eyes. 'How can you forget your birthday?'  
  
'Look, I don't know. I just want to get out of here. But I can't. I have to be the gracious host.'  
  
'Julian.' Dax grabbed his hand. 'You're here to relax. I'm the host today.'  
  
He looked down, and tugged his hand back. 'Whatever you say, lieutenant.' He replied, eyes dark.  
  
'So, how are we today, doctor?' A cheerful voice asked from behind him.  
  
'Fine, thank you. How are you?' He replied smiling charmingly.  
  
Wish I was too dead to care. If indeed I cared at all   
  
Never had a voice to protest. So you fed me shit to digest   
  
I wish I had a reason. My flaws are open season   
  
For this I gave up trying. One good turn deserves my dying  
  
He sat in his quarters, staring blankly out his window.  
  
Suddenly the door beeping got his attention.  
  
'Who is it?' He called back, standing quickly.  
  
'It's Jadzia.' Came the response.  
  
He ran his hands through his uncombed hair. 'Can you come back in half an hour?' He asked through the door.  
  
'You've said that three times, and hour and a half ago!' She called back, getting impatient. 'Just answer the fucking door, Julian.'  
  
Bashir was surprised. It was the first time he'd heard her swear. 'Whatever.' He spat.  
  
He sat back down and heard the doors slide open. 'Julian?'  
  
He almost laughed. She couldn't see him. Of course not. Screw her. Let her find him. He wasn't about to make this any easier for her than necessary.  
  
She saw his reflection. 'Julian.' She walked over to him. 'Julian, what have you done?' She asked sadly.  
  
'Leave me alone.' He muttered.  
  
She laughed harshly. 'Or not." She retorted.  
  
He looked out to the stars, and the wormhole opened. He sighed. 'It's so beautiful.' He commented softly, almost wistfully.  
  
'Come on, we have to get you to sickbay.'  
  
He looked at her wearily. 'Not until my shift.' He declared.  
  
'When's that?' Jadzia asked cautiously.  
  
Julian laughed roughly. 'Fucked if I know.'  
  
'Julian!' Jadzia snapped. 'That was uncalled for!'  
  
He nodded, mock-serious. 'True.'  
  
She sighed, and looked around his quarters. She stepped closer to him, and before he knew it, she pressed a hypospray to his arm.  
  
He looked at her in shock for a moment, then blacked out.  
  
"Jadzia to computer. Two to beam to sickbay."  
  
You fell away  
  
What more can I say  
  
The feelings evolved  
  
I wont let it out  
  
I can't replace  
  
Your screaming face  
  
Feeling the sickness inside  
  
He groaned. What did I drink last night? Was his first thought, then he remembered Jadzia. He sat up quickly. 'What did you do to me?' 


End file.
